wild hearts, wild flowers, wild fires...

These last few days I have felt very sad. Everytime I hear about the wildfires down in San Diego, my stomach twists and my heart pours empathy to those who have been evacuated from homes and the precious memories made there. I have been especially concerned about Jason Mraz who's home is there. And I am happy to say he and his kitty are safe and so is his house for now.



I just can't imagine what these people are going through, and my heart aches just thinking about it. Adding to the sadness is my deep feeling of lonliness lately. I have been constantly reminded that I am alone. Not in love with anyone and no one in love with me. I don't have anyone special in my life to turn to when I need cheering up. No one to hold me in their arms and make feel like the world really is on my side. I had someone who was that person for me, and living without that person hurts me to the core of my being. But I have to be strong and positive and just belief that there is somebody out there for me who is gonna love me and never let go. It's just that life in the meantime kinda sucks.

i hate the way you make me feel

1 year and 4 months later...it still hurts like hell. You deserted me. Left me for dead. My broken pieces picked up by scavenging bird and wandering rodent. I am torn in all directions and split in ways that leave me no longer intact. No longer one whole being. Only the bits of me that are here and there. If only those bits could be reunited and loved again. If time doesn't heal all wounds, what will? And when will it kick in? Why are my cuts getting deeper instead of healing? It's not like I don't try. I just hate thinking of how "happy" you are and how miserable I am, and how you probably don't even care. I'm not even a whisper to you. I don't even cross your mind, do I? I have completely faded from your memory. You've made new ones with a new lady. Meanwhile you haunt my thoughts like a ghost. When will this be over? When can I breathe again and feel alive? Without you. It can't hurt forever...right?

sesquepadalian...

It means the unnecessary use of long words. I like it. Anyways, I'm feeling kind of down today. I wrote the following words at work. I may or may not turn some of this into a song, so please, no copyright infringement!!



"So what do you wanna know?

The natural color of my hair and where I go to hide it?

The perfume I wear and where I got to buy it?

Is my face pretty enough for you or should I wear more make up?

Tell me, if you could know all there is to know, could you keep it a secret?

Not tell the world all the things you've heard, just deny it?

What do you want to know, and why do you want it?

Give me peace of mind, tell me you need me,

that you can't live without me.

Want to know my heart?

Just give me yours, we'll swap stories laying on the floor.

I don't want a ring, I just want more of you."

So, yeah. It took me a few days to post this because my internet service was being stupid. So, it was written last week. Just a few of the thoughts running through my head put into words. It's so hard to articulate my thoughts and feelings sometimes, but I'll always keep trying.

days in the life...

I actually only started this blog in order to make comments on Jason Mraz's blogs, but I think I ought to put it to good use. I used to write in my journal every single night before I went to bed. But that was about 5 or 6 years ago. I guess life got in the way...in a good way...for the most part. Anyways, this blog kind of sucks cause I'm tired as hell and was not expecting to write something rigth now. I don't really know why I'm writing this nonsense. I guess so my page doesn't look so empty. If you really wanna read something worth your while, check out freshnessfactorfivethousand.blogspot.com. His most recent post about his cat....HILARIOUS!! In other news....I got my hair cut! It's so short for me but I love it! I just gotta figure out how to style it and make it cute everyday, cause I can never get it to look the same as when my stylist does it. Oh well. I'm gonna go to sleep. I promise my next blog will be better.